The Eurovision 2009

Eurovision 2009- The Death of the Comedy Entry

So I thought about writing a series of posts talking about the semis and finals with highlights and crap like that and possibly some links… similar to what I did last year, but in the end I felt it would be more amusing for me if I just start crapping on and ranting as I’ve taken to recently… It may be a bit harder to read, but hell I’m writing this for me not you lot (I’m not sure anyone even reads these, or finds out I’ve been writing them thanks to yet another “new” facebook).
Plus I’m (obviously) not writing this quickly after the event like last year… so this is just going to be random bollocks on what I thought during the monster of an event.

Number One- Why does every other host country throw the country name around EVERYWHERE (especially Serbia and the three fucking rivers… did you know there are three rivers that meet in Serbia apparently… and not much else). Anyway… Russia barely said the “R” word and spent all their time talking about Moscow? Did anyone else notice that? And most countries seem to barrage everyone with scenic shots of the city to encourage visitors… but not Moscow/Russia, you barely saw anything… The USSR does not require your “visitors”?
And while I’m harping on about Russia and how weird some of the shit they did was… WTF was up with the Hosts? And the Floating Pools? The pools were just freakin’ weird and asking for trouble… see through trampoline pools lowered slowly onto the crowd? And then girls belly flopping onto them in some weird form of faux mud wrestle? Weird… It doesn’t scream Russia/Moscow/Eurovision to me… it made for interesting TV though (but some of that was just hoping the whole thing ruptured and they dropped a huge amount of hopefully cold water onto the audience). But the hosts… WOW The semi final hosts were below par even for the Eurovision, the chick wasn’t a font of amazing but that guy was terrible… like REALLY bad… and the way he kept grabbing her on the first night was cringe worthy but hilarious at the same time. The second night was about as bad, except she didn’t flinch and run as much and struggled with the auto prompt a little more… Are you thinking what I’m thinking? They got her drunk so she wouldn’t run away. Anyway the Final hosts were better (Pictured). Not only could they present (and speak French) there was no “Is that your gun in my pocket? Or are you just happy to see me” moments…


Secondly… What happened to the comedy entry? And Austria for that matter? I always look forward to the Austrian entry and this year I was sorely disappointed by their absence =( As for comedy entries I think the absolute balls up of Spain’s entry last year (not that they did much better this year) pretty well discouraged everyone from putting in anything with a backbone of “comedy”. Although I could be convinced that the Serbian (not the actual entry but possibly their selection vid) entry was possibly intended as a comedic entry (it was definitely a bit WTF!). Possibly Finnland’s (rehearsal video) badly pirated version of Eminem (complete with ill fitting douchebag hat) was intended to be funny too… Although it was about homelessness apparently (surely that would be a bit chilly in Finland) which isn’t the most ideal topic for comedy. And that entry was shit btw… the only positive was the 9ft tall Blonde Haired Finnish chick… Wow… intimidating... But a good intimidating. Serbia was a little wow too…but in a very different way, I wasn’t massively impressed (I never am with Serbia) but that’s the best they’ve ever done. I also though Portugal’s entry was a nice endorsement for drugs too… I kept excepting the guy on the ukulele to start screaming “MY HANDS ARE HUGE” in Portuguese.

General observations lead me to believe that Violins are the new black, everyone was playing the things… That and the whole “lifting the cello” act… Isn’t that on a stand for a reason? It was also a very big year for the wink… Some entries were managing 3+ winks in their song. I find that a little annoying, I love a spontaneous flirtatious wink… But 1 a minute at the exact same point in the chorus isn’t a wink, that’s a dance move for your eyelids… Turkey’s wink+point+tongue move was an interesting variant though… Quite an easy entry to watch that one… Except for that bonehead… Did anyone else think of Chas from the Chaser when they first saw the guy in dirty cargos and sneakers at the back of the Turkish entry just clapping away? He barely seemed to be part of it… 2nd biggest bonehead that year. The biggest being the poor girl in the Romanian (yet another rehearsal vid sorry) entry right at the back of stage in the grey dress… Imagine that, being in the Eurovision in an entry that is basically a perve fest (C’mon like anyone watched Romania’s entry for the song… “Balkan Girls” bah!). I didn’t mind that entry in the slightest either (pictured)

Last year France entered and English singing entrant for the first time EVER… It didn’t win and pissed lots of people off. This year their entry was more French than croissants and surrendering. Unlike the British, Spanish or German entries… which didn’t look representative of their country at all… A fair skinned blonde Spaniard? And I just didn’t like the UK entry and it shouldn’t have done that well… I think it just got sympathy votes because it was Lord Lloyd Webber and people are convinced they’re supposed to like it because he’s “good”… Well he’s not, and it was shitty. But Germany… HOLY FUCK… I loved it… and DITA VON TEESE! WOW (pictured)… That was the best entry I’ve seen in ages… Definitely my favorite for this year (and the best German entry EVER), and will stay stuck in my mind…


Dita Von Teese is awesome… like seriously awesome… I don’t care if she married Marilyn Manson she’s one very sexy 36 year old… On the opposite end of the awesomeness scale was Albania and their “Why so serious” midget back up dancing twins… that whole fucking entry was weird, From the man in a sequined gimp suit to the jailbait girl in a tutu the entire entry oozed creepy and adding two breakdancing midgets with joker facepaint and I was officially creeped up the fucking wall (as the picture shows).
I’m all for insane entries, Albania was just creepy though… and the most insane entry prize goes to the Ukraine anyway… A poledancer dancing on a ladder who was then towed across stage playing the drums by a trio of stripped down cyber trogans? How the fuck do they think that up? It was very mardi gras (pictured)…



I was planning on typing a nice “Balkanisation" joke in this post… something like

“Balkanization is a geopolitical term originally used to describe the process of fragmentation or division of a region or state into smaller regions or states that are often hostile or non-cooperative with each other except in Eurovision terms where it simply means block voting for shitty entries because you don’t realise the entire competition is a joke”…
It would’ve been glorious except for the fact the block voting was only rolling at around the 7-10 point mark and as such didn’t have a MASSIVE effect on the outcome… And only the truly dedicated cynical vote observer would’ve noticed it occurring and all of those beautiful little snubs and political moves… Oh well =(

I also had a joke about the Netherlands too… but typing the set up would dignify and entry that fundamentally had no dignity… Suffice to say the punch line was “I’ve got two turntables and a whale on stage” (see pic)


I guess the last thing I have to say is about the “unshaven” look with a lot of the guys… now I’m not a guy that shaves daily, I probably should shave more often than I do but daily just isn’t necessary. Now I can theoretically understand that a bit of growth is seen as sexy but my question is how do they time it? Assuming you’re aiming for a specifics day length of growth (one, two or whatever) do you aim to peak it in the semi? Or in the Final? Or is this micro manicured one days growth with a pair of clippers and a number one? Myseteries I don’t think I’ll ever discover the answer too

Love hugs and Kisses

ANt

Ok I lie… one last thing… the Estonian entrant was BEAUTIFUL